Have you ever poured your heart out to someone only to have them tell you “You’re O.K.”? That’s possibly the last thing you wanted to hear because it’s not how you feel. You’re not O.K and all you want is for someone to tell you it’s O.K to not be O.K.
It’s the same with our kids. So often, when our kids are frustrated, frightened, or angry we are quick to let them know, “It’s O.K”. As adults, with more life experience, we know it is O.K and most of the time it’s not the end of the world (or sometimes even not that big of a deal). What we so often miss is that our children don’t have that life experience and to them it might feel like a really big deal (or even the end of the world!) What’s important in these moments is that our kids feel like they are heard and seen- that we validate their feelings. Psychology Today states that “validation helps a person feel cared for and supported”. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/emotional-validation
By responding with validation in the moment, we can create strong bonds and connections with the kids and young people in our care. We are acknowledging how they are feeling and giving them space to safely express their emotions. This doesn’t mean we have to agree with them, it is just about creating a safe, supportive atmosphere in which they feel heard and valued. Fostering these bonds and connections give so many more opportunities for us to relate positively to our children and young people and build close, positive, constructive relationships.
You might be thinking that your child is constantly catastrophising situations and making “mountains out of molehills”. There is definitely a place for children to be taught about the difference between big problems and little problems and what does and doesn’t warrant extreme reactions and emotions. However, in the moment of an emotional expression is not the time. Validating a child or young person’s feelings does not necessarily tell them that they should always react the same way- especially if their response is considered to be a bit “over the top”. It just gives them the sense that they are valued and worthy of your love and attention. It can actually set a solid foundation for conversations about how to actually respond to similar circumstances in the future and give you the ability to teach about appropriate reactions.
So how do we validate our kids (or even each other?) Try comments such as:
“I can see that your angry”.
“I’m sorry that happened to you”.
“That can be scary”.
These can give the child or young person a sense that what they are feeling is real- because to them it is! I have seen many children be able to emotionally regulate themselves much more quickly and effectively when they feel validated than when their feelings are denied by being told to “stop crying!” or “don’t be silly!”
We all want to feel like we are seen and heard and our kids are no different. The more we do it when they are young the better chance they have of growing into stable, secure adults with the ability to build positive relationships.
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