As research into human behaviour has advanced, emotional regulation has come to the forefront of many spheres including education, psychology, and behaviour sciences. But what is emotional regulation? It’s something that we all do, to varying degrees, every day. Psychology Today states that “it is the ability to exert control over one’s own emotional state”. There are, however, many of our population who either do not have the skills or are biologically unable to regulate their own emotions (or self-regulate). This is where human connection plays a major part in soothing and managing both internal and external stressors or sensory input.
Co-regulation is a supportive, responsive interaction made by one person to another in order assist in regulating and managing emotions. Children and teens, especially those with disability or who have experienced trauma, may often need this support by a trusted adult in order to function effectively at home, at school or in the community. Modelling emotional regulation is a vital part of co-regulation, as is non-judgemental communication. Empathy and validating the child or young person’s feelings is an important step in co-regulation. Acknowledging their feelings and the cause (if known) tells them that you care, and you want to help. Saying things like “I understand that upset you”, “I can hear that you are hurt” lets the young person know that you are there for them. It says “I see you; I hear you” which is essential to building trust with children and young people. Sitting beside, using facial gestures or gentle touch may be something that also helps to build trust and can demonstrate empathy. It must be kept in mind though that for some children, touch can cause sensory meltdown so understanding the individual’s needs and being aware of their responses to your actions is imperative.
At home or school co-regulation can be tricky because it may mean that as a parent, carer or teacher you have to stop what you are doing in order to help your child when they are dysregulated, but as author, Kevin Hewitson says “if you can’t reach them, you can’t teach them”. Taking the time to co-regulate and build relationship with your child or teen will have a longer lasting positive effect on both yours and their well-being than pushing through a meltdown or tantrum and not getting anything done. While Kevin’s quote might sound like it relates directly to teachers, parents and carers should remember that you were their first teachers. While it might not be academic, school type learning we are teaching our children from the time they were born.
In addition to your calm, empathetic voice, gentle touch and gestures, sensory strategies can also assist in co-regulation. Depending on the child, deep pressure massage, swinging, spinning on a chair, deep breathing (see “the Power of Breath blog at https://cherubdisabilityservices.com.au/f/the-power-of-breath) chew toys, or even music may assist a child to regulate their emotions while you support them to work through their emotional responses.
As the world around us becomes busier and more overwhelming our children and young people are looking to us to help them navigate their emotions and responses to the barrage of input they get every day. Remember, however, that sometimes as adults we need co-regulation too, especially if we are supporting our children or teens with the process. Having strategies or people that we can go to when we need help is vital to our own mental health and well-being. We are made for human connection so let’s remember we all need it and do our best to make it positive and empathetic.
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