Property lines, picket fences, house walls. These are all versions of boundaries that help to create definition and maintain order in our world; and boundaries for children are no different. In his book, Boundaries for Kids, Gary Chapman explains that “the essence of boundaries is self-control, responsibility, freedom and love.” Giving children boundaries gives them a sense of security, a feeling of safety and a sense of belonging. They learn what they are responsible for and what others are responsible for. One of the most important things I have learned in my years of working with children who exhibit challenging behaviours is to define boundaries for them and stick to them. And that last part is the hardest!
Wouldn’t it be great to have the boundaries all set in place before a child starts pushing them? We all know that’s not always possible, however, taking time to set reasonable boundaries is. Quick reactions to a child’s behaviour are rarely going to end well. The faster we “react”, often the worse our reaction, which can escalate a child’s challenging behaviour. Taking the time to stop and breathe before responding can result in a much more productive encounter helping you and the child to understand their behaviour and set appropriate boundaries. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I don’t immediately stop a child from running across the road- unsafe behaviour is a whole different story!).
We can establish boundaries with children by outlining our expectations. These expectations may be different in different settings and for some children with a disability such as Autism this could be tricky. It’s important to ensure that when we talk to our kids about their boundaries, we use the three Cs:
1. Clear
2. Concise
3. Consistent
Clear
Clearly outline to the child the behaviour you expect of them. In situations where the setting or event is new, a social story or a preparatory visit may help them to understand the expectations.
Concise
Make the expectations short and sweet! Too much information can overwhelm a child and make their efforts to fulfil your expectations more difficult.
Consistent
Being consistent is key in helping the child feel safe. Changing expectations can create uncertainty for a child and make them unsure of where they stand with you. It is the hardest thing to do (especially when they start pushing hard) but this is where it is so important to stop, breathe and remember why you’re doing this- to create a safe, supportive environment or your child and prepare them for the real world.
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